finding the patterns

Everyone has bad days. You know the type: from the moment you wake up late for work everything seems to be balanced perfectly against you.

This was my Thursday. Call it what you will -- just one of those days, mercury in retrograde, haywire hormones, midlife crisis... but I was in major meltdown mode.

By lunchtime I was thinking about the sweet envelope full of cash waiting for me at home. I've been selling everything that isn't nailed down in preparation for the move into our new deluxe-style cubicle, so I've got a nice little stack of cash. It's been fun watching the money pile up, calling it my new "savings envelope" and putting it away with no temptation to spend. I like having some cushion. You'd think I would have figured this out sometime earlier in life, but eh -- I'm calling it a win that I've figured it out at all.

But Thursday?  Oh no... Thursday was a different monster altogether. I was dreaming of iPads and flat panel HDTV's big enough to eat your face. On Thursday I was ready to spend every last dollar I had put together.

In fact, although I was able to talk myself back off the crazy ledge, I still ended up in a gas station after work, Did I need gas? Nope. Not at all. I stopped to hunt the aisles for a drink I didn't really want and a snack I definitely didn't need.

The six bucks I forked over for a coffee-flavored Monster and bag of Doritos was hardly worth it, but it came from left over grocery money and didn't effect the budget, so I guess that's a good thing. And I did manage to keep myself off amazon.com and away from the Apple store. So my savings envelope has been protected. For now.

But the biggest thing I realized was how intense my need to spend money is when I am super stressed or having a nervous breakdown sort of day. I have triggers that can easily catapult me into a neurotic spendathon of doom. And that's what this year is all about. Finding the patterns, learning the triggers, giving up the spendaholic within so I can stop dreaming about a life well lived, and actually live my dreams.
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